Survival in this mad world

[Lyberta]

I removed heavy stuff from my past. I needed a known safe space to post it publicly for the first time. This forum was the safest place on the entire Internet. It served its purpose. I need to take it elsewhere now. I have private copies for "medical professionals" and places where people discuss this. I retained bits that are important to this particular forum. No idea when I will be stable enough to get back to the topic of the first post though. I'm very scared.

[Julius]

Thanks a lot and... no change is without challenges. Take small steps and you will manage

[Wuzzy]

I don't like using Patreon.

Yeah, fuck 'em!

I don't like using GitHub.

Yeah, fuck 'em, too! It's not like we even need GitHub. It's just that the whole FOSS world mindlessly jumped on the GitHub bandwagon for some reason. It's unlikely the'll jump ship anytime soon, unless GitHub = Microsoft screws up. Doesn't change the proprietary JS tho. I don't avoid GitHub tho, as it is still technically usable without JS, but I do not host any of my own projects there. I would like it a lot if more FOSS would actually care about their own online infrastructure, and not depend on their corporate overlords that only pretend to love FOSS.

Technically, GitHub is basically just 2 things: A hoster for Git repositories, and a bugtracker. Both of this is replacable … in theory.
What we really need is more server infrastructure that are run directly by the FOSS community, not just by corporations that only pretend to love FOSS. We do have a few of them, but it's not enough:

https://savannah.nongnu.org/
https://repo.or.cz/

These websites are functional and mature, but people absolutely hate their webdesign (not me, though, but I can't change people) and the latter is a pure Git repo hoster (no bugtracker). I guess the biggest reason for GitHub's success is the webdesign and also the failure of the competition to … well, compete.
But I have good news: There is Gitea, a FOSS clone of GitHub. The L&F is practically the same. It's just the software, and we do not have anyone hosting a large-scale instance for FOSS hosting yet. I think cloning GitHub, but in FOSS, is actually a very good idea. Thing is, devs have now been so used to (some would say dependent) GitHub that any different interface will be met with fierce resistance. That's why Gitea is great.

Then there's always the possibility to go independent and host the entire project yourselves.

I don't like using BSL.

Copyleft for the win! But you probably already know that.

I don't like using Git. It is sexist and transphobic because committer names are a part of the commit hashes so changing your name requires rewriting history. This is extremely hurtful.

Use a fake name / nickname and register an e-mail you will only use for Git / that one specific project or just use a fake e-mail. There is not a single FOSS project that I know of that DEMANDS use of your “real” name and they don't even care if Git e-mail address is fake, too. They are perfectly fine with obvious fake names.
I mean, this is the Internet, it's rarely a good idea to reveal your identity online.

If some sensitive information already found their way into some repository, then … ooff, that's a problem. Good luck in reversing that. Rewriting history would probably not help you anyway, as the information was probably copied 100s of times over Interntet already …

But yeah. This is indeed a serious and annoying technical limitation of Git. Rewriting history just to change your name sucks a lot, and there needs to be a simpler and safer solution. This sounds like a very good feature request for Git, if you ask me.

[Lyberta]

Hey Wuzzy, you know we are very close-minded when it comes to this. But how to earn enough money to survive writing only GPL software? I haven't seen examples of this. And Liberapay is not even available in Russia.

And when it comes to my situation, I've regressed back to having difficulty with shower and food. I have no capacity to think about a way to earn money right now, all of my mental resources are dedicated to trying to keep myself fed and showered and I fail at even that.

[Lyberta]

I know you have been also dabbling with Xonotic. Maybe someting along that lines might be more promising for Patreon (or similar), although specifically forking Darkplaces to replace all the QC might not.

...and I quit Xonotic. They moved the thread to a forum that is only accessible to registered users. Xonotic is not quite a child-friendly game so the thread is open and uncensored. So I'm gonna mirror the contents of the first post for a month here and then remove it as I did with other graphic stuff in this thread. I just want people to know the truth.

***Content removed by the author, Lyberta***

CONTENT WARNING: Rape, suicide, school shooting

Link to original post

[Lyberta]

So it's been 3,5 months since the death of my father and I had some time to think about what I want to do in my life and what I would prefer to be paid for. So here's the ordered list as it stands right now:

1. Doing political/human rights activism via running a YouTube channel (with some segues such as "surviving in Russia") and publishing my autobiography
2. Drawing furry porn (also known as yiff)
3. Composing music
4. C++

As you can see, most of my experience is in C++ because I spent last 10 years developing a child murder simulator (as you can read in the previous post). And tbh C++ is the lowest priority because I really only do it right now because of inertia and I'm not quite sure what to do with my code base that I put 10 years of work into. If anything, I can use my programming knowledge to help me deal with drawing and music software. As much as I want to go "my parents are dead, now I can finally stop programming and delete 10 years of my work for good, fuck programming", I'm stopping myself. It's not entirely useless.

EDIT: Programming and especially C++ can go to hell.

Liberapay uses either Stripe or PayPal. PayPal is an absolute shit and Stripe is not available in Russia. So Liberapay is almost completely useless for me. As for Patreon, well, I'd rather run 4 separate Patreons for each of the item in the list, I'm not sure if it's possible. I don't think a single "human rights/pornography/music/C++" Patreon is gonna attract any kind of significant money. But I'm not going to pick a single item and go on it full-time because I will burnout very quickly. Meh...

[Julius]

Maybe implementing a fast and portable C++ core for something like this: https://github.com/chxrlt/lyrebird would be an interesting option? There seems to be quite a bit of interest for libre voice changers right now (hence potential for Patreon donations). Bonus points for adding a virtual webcam with image filters To me at least it seems like an interesting intersection of all the four topics you mentioned.

[Lyberta]

Maybe implementing a fast and portable C++ core for something like this: https://github.com/chxrlt/lyrebird would be an interesting option? There seems to be quite a bit of interest for libre voice changers right now (hence potential for Patreon donations). Bonus points for adding a virtual webcam with image filters To me at least it seems like an interesting intersection of all the four topics you mentioned.

Damn, I hate my own voice too and used pulseeffects to try to make it more feminine. Python though. I don't have mental health to learn new language. A webcam changer would be nice but in my case I'm 2 years on HRT so my face is feminine enough already so I don't have a good "sample" I guess.

Sucks to see another trans woman struggling with her voice though

[Lyberta]

OK, I deleted my GitHub and GitLab accounts. Fuck C++, fuck all C++ developers, fuck programming and fuck Git.

EDIT: Also deleted Stack Exchange and Slack accounts and unsubscribed from all but one C++ mailing lists.

[Lyberta]

My parents are dead. They will never accept me. Getting drunk and cutting myself are only half measures. Only suicide will prove that I'm a good kid.

EDIT: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyl ... -dont-have

Yeah, "paranoid schizophrenia" they said, "my parents are angels" they said, "this is all my fault" they said. Being raped is my fault. "Angels" raped me because I deserved to be raped. This is all my fault. This is all my fault. Time to kill myself so I can be punished for my crimes.

EDIT2: I cut myself real bad and me and my wife are both suicidal now. I'm scared, I can barely control myself, we're all gonna die.

[GunChleoc]

Hang on in there!

[Lyberta]

I'm gonna finish my autobiography and I'm gonna tell the truth how my parents raped me and how psychiatrists poisoned me with neurotoxins (they call those toxins antipsychotics), tortured me with electroshock and took away my legal rights just to cover rape and child abuse. Just so I will never be able to say what all of them has done to me. WRONG! I'm still alive and I still can type this even under the influence of neurotoxins and with body covered in scars from self-harm.

See this and especially this comment.

[Lyberta]

Earlier I said that I have plans to do sex work. Well, recently I visited a real life trans sex workers' support group to learn as much as I can about sex work and try to find understanding.

And I learned a lot.

First of all, a small clarification for those who don't know. Most trans women take HRT that, among other things, stops erections and makes their genitalia work the same way as typical female genitalia. But, in sex work most clients want "a chick with a d**k" so some people in that support group stopped HRT and even applied testosterone and stuff like viagra to satisfy their clients' needs.

But I'm intersex. My genitalia never worked like proper male genitalia. I just... physically can't do want most clients want from a trans woman sex worker. I mean I would literally need a phalloplasty to construct a proper male genitalia for the purposes of sex work as a trans woman. That's not gonna happen. I'm SOL.

And the other thing is price. Obviously, naming exact price is unhelpful because local prices on everything vary wildly. But the prices sex workers in that group worked for are waaay higher than I thought. 2 hours with a trans woman costs as much as a whole month of my mental disability pension. To put it another way, if I could do just 2 hours of sex work per month I would double my income. That blew my mind. At that moment I was like "shieet son where do I sign up for a sex work?" And then I learned about the whole genitalia thing.

You know, back in the day I sometimes used to get "C++ High Frequency Trading 150,000$/year + visa sponsor" offers on StackOverflow Careers. To which my obvious mental reply was "I'm mentally disabled. I don't have a legal right to work." And now the offer is "Double your income for literally 2 hours of sex work per month". To which my obvious mental reply is "I'm intersex. I can't do that." How much money can't I earn just because of who I am or because of rape and abuse I suffered? Can I even earn money at all? Will I be able to buy food? Pay bills? Who knows, it's life. Homeless people exist. People (especially sex workers) die from AIDS and other STDs all the time. It's all just possibilities of my future.

At least my parents are dead. Oh, the only great thing in life. And I still have my wife. Eh...

EDIT:

One big thing I forgot to say is how different and amazing this group was compared to other support groups I've been to. I've been visiting another transgender support group and I couldn't find understanding there. It was filled with "normal" people. You know, who have "jobs" and "lives" and deal with simple stuff like relationships, coming out at work. Bleh. "Normal" people never see real life.

The main topic of that day's sex workers' support group was PTSD but we also discussed rape, shitty parents, police brutality, kidnapping, slavery... Holy shit! I have CPTSD, I was raped, I have extremely shitty parents! In fact, I was raped by parents! Was this group designed specifically for me?

One of the sex workers was kidnapped and was used as a sex slave. She managed to escape but her parents refused to listen to her and disowned her. Pfft, typical parents. Well, I was raped by parents and after that was basically their slave for 28 years. This is so close to home. Also, her parents put her in psychiatric hospital to "fix" her being transgender. Sounds familiar? Oh hell yeah! My parents put me in psychiatric hospital and tortured me with electroshock until I attempted suicide inside the hospital to escape the torture.

People there had it as rough as me. We were like sisters bound by our trauma and understanding of that trauma. "Normal" people will never understand that. "Normal" people are blind and too scared to discuss things like rape, torture, slavery *pointing at a very specific mod here who likes to close threads*. Guess what? These things are all around us. They are everywhere. Rape is everywhere, torture is everywhere, good parents don't exist.

This was the best support group of my life. I dunno how things regarding my sex work pan out but sex workers are one of the most understanding people in the world. Sex workers deserve all kindness and respect.

[Lyberta]

So I was sleeping and had a dream about programming.

I woke up and almost immediately felt pain from thinking about programming. I rushed to take antipsychotics and antidepressants before the pain would obliterate me. Then I tried to escape the pain by going through browser tabs to find something that will make me stop thinking about programming. Unfortunately, I stumbled upon this. At this point I went to bed and screamed into the pillow, started crying and thinking about suicide.

I've wasted 13 years of my life on programming and now just thinking about it gives me such huge PTSD flashbacks that I want to kill myself.

So yeah, let's pivot to something that is not traumatic and definitely won't give me PTSD flashbacks in the future: sex work.

Well, prostitution is out of question for now because I don't have the place, don't have proper genitalia, it's way too risky and unfulfilling. But producing porn and webcamming are very lucrative options... that were vetoed by my wife so far. So, no sex work for now.

It's funny how this thread has started with me planning to earn money with programming but now I can't even think about it and considering sex work instead.

[Jastiv]

I'm still not sure what the bad associations are with programming. I mean, I get that programming was an escape, and then one day, it just reminded you of everything negative.

[Lyberta]

I'm still not sure what the bad associations are with programming. I mean, I get that programming was an escape, and then one day, it just reminded you of everything negative.

I wouldn't call spending a decade sitting in front of the monitor, looking at code in the programming language that I hate, suffering physical pain every time I press any key on a keyboard and chanting "as soon as I get eviscerated corpses of children on the screen I will be rewarded, as soon as I get eviscerated corpses of children on the screen the physical and mental suffering will stop, I won't need to program anymore, I will just kill virtual children for the rest of my life, I just need a couple more years, a couple more decades..." a pleasurable experience.

Now that my parents are dead, I want to draw, to play piano, to sing and dance. I don't have to suffer physical and mental pain of programming anymore. Granted, I don't know how to draw, my piano skills are beginner level, I need voice training (and most likely a voice surgery) to get a female voice and I never really danced in my life. So, gotta learn a lot from scratch.

Anyway...

My last posts have been about sex work and my rampant desire for sex work got my therapist concerned. She decided to dig into it and after several questions that got more and more specific and made me pause longer and longer... it was uncovered that I was systematically raped by my father in childhood. It started when I was maybe 4 or 5 years old and ended when I was 15. So that's about 11 years of pretty much daily rape.

It made me feel like a bag of meat deserving only to be raped. That my genitalia is father's property. And only after he died I realized that his dirty hairy hands were always between my legs and they disappeared only 2 months after his death. I finally got control over my genitalia, took me just 30 years. And sex work was a perfect place for "a bag of meat to be raped". Yeah...

How the rape ended is a separate story. In 2006 when I was 15 years old my parents took me to psychologist to "fix" me because I was very bad at school, didn't give a damn about college or job and didn't fit their Obviously The Only True Way To Live A Life™. Well, some details were uncovered and psychologist threatened to call the police if my father didn't stop. He got really scared and stopped. Heh. He was very afraid of prison because he knew how child rapists like him are treated there. He used to talk about that all the time. Clearly projecting.

And myself as I watched the whole thing unfold I was like "Wait, what? That can't be... Wha?" But, as psychologist was hired by my parents, I treated her as an enemy so I decided to drop the whole train of thought because I didn't have capacity to think what my enemies are arguing about between each other. I still wonder why didn't psychologist immediately call the police. That would save me from so much. But the rape did stop. So thanks for that, I guess.

As I was in extreme shock from the session that uncovered rape, I just gathered e-mails from all people who knew my father (I got a bunch when dealing with his funeral) and wrote an e-mail to all of them outing my father as pedophile and child rapist. I got the thing public immediately, I didn't give a damn anymore. I'm tired of suffering in silence. No more.

So, yeah. Coming out as rape survivor... for the second time here. What my mother did to me when I was 2 years old was brutal, but it was a single episode, it wasn't for her sexual purposes, it wasn't repressed and I had decades to think about it and obviously it was one of the first things I told my therapist about. The father was an obvious pedophile on the other hand and carefully abused his parental authority to keep me silent and keep my thoughts repressed. His rape was a calculated crime. And he managed to die before he could be punished. He managed to keep me silent until his death.

Which brings me to one thing I need to do. This is a child-friendly forum after all. Children read it. And some of them might just need something I didn't have but badly needed when I was a child myself. A message like this:



Hey kids! Are you here to discuss such amazing games as SuperTux and SuperTuxKart? Nice!

However, have you noticed that your parents sometimes act weird? Maybe everything is ok but one thing is off? Maybe there is a daily routine that feels weird? Maybe you get to undress and your parent sees you naked? Maybe your parent touches you somewhere they really shouldn't and you feel very weird about it?

And maybe you feel that your private parts are a parent's property. Maybe you feel awkwardness, shame and guilt every time you take a shower and wash yourself down there. Maybe you feel lost and confused. Maybe you feel alone. Maybe you think that nobody will understand you and people will laugh when you tell them about your parents.

You are not alone. I've been there myself. I understand how you feel. And I'm not the only one. Find someone to talk. It can be school psychologist, a child protection services, a police officer. Tell them about that weird thing. Don't be afraid, it's not your fault. Some parents are just weird. People will listen to you and take care of the situation. Remember, it's not your fault. You deserve to be understood. You deserve safety. You deserve happy life.

Take care.



If at least one child reads this message and calls for help, then I won. I could use my traumatic experience to help someone, maybe even save them. I don't get the backwards logic of "topics that are too heavy to discuss" where pedophilia and child rape were explicitly mentioned by Julius. If this topic will be silenced then no one will read my message, no one will call for help, no one will get understanding. They will be left suffering just like I was. Alone. Suicidal. Hopeless.

Lastly, even as child rape survivor, I still stand by my opinion that pedophilia itself is harmless. Child rape is not. You like underage boys? No problem! Have a huge collection of shota hentai. Have tons of sex toys in the shape of boy's butts. Have sex dolls in the shape of underage boys. It's 100% OK. Don't rape me! But my father chose to rape me instead. That is the problem. That is a big problem...

[Lyberta]

When my father's hands were mentally between my legs, I had to dissociate from my body during any of my own sexual fantasies. My body wasn't mine. Now I don't have to. I am the actual owner of my body. I am free. And this gives me freedom to experience and understand my sexuality in ways I never could.

Here's practice. I'm not a pedophile. I love to imagine myself being an underage girl having consensual sex with an adult man. And I use drawn child pornography to get my "underage sex" fix.

No, I am a pedophile. Maybe before outing my father I had to dissociate into a body of underage girl but now I don't. Ageplay and AB/DL are just a part of it. There's way more.

But, unlike my father, I didn't rape any children. I didn't do any harm. And yet I suffer pedophilephobia including on this forum where people call pedophilia a mental illness and demand drawn child pornography to be banned.

Both persons with ASPD and pedophiles suffer from a significant impairment of social personal functioning, and many pedophiles are probably even feeling significant distress at the thought of what their sexual desires might do to children if put into action.

We suffer from society that treats us like shit. I do feel awkward around children, but after that I can go home, open drawn CP and masturbate to release the awkwardness. And nobody gets hurt. There is no internal distress. Distress only comes from other people.



So... it's been 8 months since the death of my father and I already came out as:

• Rape survivor (twice!)
• Furry
• Otherkin
• Zoophile
• Pedophile

Yep, the death of parents truly changes everything.

[drummyfish]

People will probably lynch me for this but I agree with you, pedophilia isn't bad, it isn't any more wrong than being gay or straight or sexually attracted to anything, you can't choose it and it is not an illness. We definitely shouldn't be bullying people who live in fear and hiding every day with something they couldn't even choose, by banning the only thing that can help them cope, harmless videos or drawings. But you know, this demonization is a good political tool and weapon for cancelling people.

What's bad is rape, of course, especially of children.

[Lyberta]

So, I've been wanting to write an article called something like "Why free software movement is bullshit/Why free software movement failed/Why free software movement is a scam" discussing how nobody cares about ethics and all that crap. People care about survival. Now that I'm free from prison of software development, the only reason for me to use GNU/Linux is to hide my porn collection from police. But "you should use free software because it helps pedophiles hide their porn from police" is not a kind of message that is spread by Free Software Foundation and free software movement in general.

Therefore from now on I withdraw any kind of public support for free software movement. If there will be another movement focusing on survival, I will join it. Free software movement can go to hell.

[Julius]

So long, and thanks for all the fish.