Why I quit

[Lyberta]

Note to moderators: This post contains historical account of homicidal thoughts and in no way constitutes legit death threats.



Sometime in the 1970s at MIT Richard Stallman - a white cisgender endosex heterosexual male with higher education living in US - encountered a laser printer with proprietary drivers. He was so offended that he started a free software movement.

In 2008 me - a mentally disabled intersex pansexual transgender woman, former child sex slave struggling with severe CPTSD with no higher education living in Russia - was dissociating from her abusive parents she lived with into making Team Fortress 2 mods when Gold Rush update broke them. She was very offended too but not at her parents who raped her and tortured her every day - that would require a sense of self she never developed - but at Valve. She read the EULA again to find out that she had basically no rights and her only way to dissociate from suicide thoughts was in extreme danger. She thought that she had 2 choices: to kill herself or to fight. She chose to fight. Of course, nowadays, after a year of therapy, I know of a third choice: pack most important belongings and run away from abusive parents into a homeless shelter. That was the right choice. That would have saved me a lot of mental and physical health and allowed me to actually solve my problems. But, no therapy, no supportive people in my life, no sense of self, so the life went another way.

And so I kept looking for a way to fight the system. After all, at MIT software used to be free and Richard Stallman got used to that. In Russia software was distributed on pirated CDs, eithter bought, burned or downloaded from the Internet, obtaining a legal copy was unthinkable. Nobody cared about copyright. And I got used to that. But then online games with frequent updates became popular and prices of legal copies became more reasonable. Valve hooked people on Steam. And copyright.

And so in 2010, after 3 years of searching, I have found Richard Stallman. That guy said almost exact things I was thinking about. "All software must be free." Oh hell yes! I would then be able to create Team Fortress 2 mods in peace [while still being abused by my parents]. Etc, etc. I was hooked. I thought Richard Stalman - a white cisgender endosex heterosexual male with higher education living in US - was the only person in the world who understands me. Yeah, I know, very foolish. But that's what mental disability gets you.

So when I found Stallman I had about 120 games on my Steam account and Windows computer filled with pirated software. I would never pay for non-game software! Valve may have hooked me on their Steam drug but I will never respect copyright and pay money (translation: beg abusive parents) for software! So... I knew what I had to do. I started getting rid of my Steam games one by one and was looking for free software alternatives for non-game software. By 2013 I only had a couple of Steam games and almost all non-game software was free.

And then there was a big change in my life. I got a well-paid job. But... in a software company. Yikes!! By that time I was already hard at fantasizing of killing all people who make proprietary software so working at such company means I was an enemy of myself. I deserved death. But... money? Who cares about money?! Death to people who make proprietary software!!! That took a huge toll on my mental health. I remember that after working just two days I had a mental breakdown and deleted Steam. I couldn't bear the pain and suffering of dealing with proprietary software at work only to play proprietary games after it.

I started working in April 2013 and in May I cut my wrists. Not the first time in my life. The scar healed after a week. Then, also in May, I have found Hedgewars, Red Eclipse and Xonotic. Finally I could at least play some games. That was a relief. I was back at dissociating into video games while living with abusive parents and thinking of killing my colleagues because they make proprietary software. Life is fun!

But I thought I can do something with dirty money I was earning. I could donate it to organizations who (I thought) care about people like me: FSF, EFF, Wikipedia. Well, I never got to donate to the last two but I became an associate member of Free Software Foundation. That means I was donating 10$ per month. I thought that this is finally a way for me to do something, anything, good. Ever. I was a piece of shit who was earning money with proprietary software. I didn't deserve to live. So maybe at least my donations can right my wrongs.

And so eventually I got physical letter from John Sullivan, executive director of Free Software Foundation, thanking me for my donations. And such letters came every 6 months. But what I noticed is that there was always a call for more money. "Can you donate more?" That was always a stab in my heart. I was a piece of shit that deserved death. I came out as trans and couldn't bear transphobia on top of all the previous abuse so I quit my job in November 2013. I worked for just 8 months. And I didn't have any more money. In fact, I was spending a lot of time in psychiatric hospital by this time. And yet, I kept my membership. I had zero income but I kept donating 10$ every month because I hoped that FSF and Richard Stallman understand me. That my donation means something.

Until I looked at FSF's tax reports. By that time I was legally mentally disabled and had a pension of 300$/month. I knew that minimum wage in US is around 1200$/month assuming 8 hour workdays and 5 workday weeks. I thought that FSF is reasonable and pays their people, I dunno, 2000$/month? Imagine my amazement when I saw 7000$/month figures in the tax report. Holy fuck! People there earn 23 times more money than me and they even have the nerve to demand more?!!! "Can you donate more?" "Can you donate more?" "Can you donate more?" "CAN YOU DONATE MORE, HUH?"

After I picked my jaw from the floor I immediately canceled my membership. Who do those people think they are? Swimming in piles of gold and demanding money from mentally disabled people who are unemployed and spend time in psychiatric hospitals. And that was the first seed.

The seed of doubt. What are these people even doing? How are they supposed to help me? I mean sure, GPL is fine but the last version was in, like, 2008. GNU software? What GNU software? The only GNU software I know I use is GCC but I don't use it directly because it has no GUI. Almost everything else comes from the open source movement. If anything, being a GNU software means it is an unusable terminal-only mess that you should stay away from.

That was brewing in my head for a couple of years. Until I snapped in February 2019. It's been 9 years since I've found Richard Stallman and FSF and I expected them to solve my problems, to help me. Instead I got calls for more money and nothing else. FSF was useless. A scam. So it was on libreplanet-discuss mailing list, I don't quite remember the thread. I remember venting my frustration with proprietary software and someone got me triggered and I said it outright that people who create proprietary software must be killed. Something I thought since 2010 tbh. And I got immediately suspended by none other than John Sullivan. That guy. THAT GUY! That guy from physical letters who always demanded more and more money. That guy who stabbed me in the heart with each letter. I had enough. I HAD ENOUGH. He was gonna get everything that was coming to him.

I wrote a colorful letter with death threats to him, his family, all other FSF employees, their families, all LibrePlanet attendees... and their families, of course. I also put some fake stuff that I rigged my flat to explode because at this point I was doing suicide by cop. You know, I needed a SWAT team to storm my home and kill me so I needed a plausible threat. I hit Send, took a kitchen knife and started waiting for my inevitable death. A day passes, two. I get complaint from a hoster. I thought the police and hoster will cooperate without asking me, eh. I was dead in my mind. 5 days passed. I put down kitchen knife. I'm confused. I keep on with my life.

Until August. Damn! That took them long enough. So, US embassy contacted Russian police and the whole thing took 7 months. But they looked at my mental disability, deemed me harmlessly insane and made a warning for the first time. Oh, well.

At that point I cut all ties with Free Software Foundation. Well, police notwithstanding, I cut everything in February. I wanted to have nothing to do with them. I regretted my donations. I felt betrayed. It was joyful to see Stallman canceled in fall later that year. But I still thought that the concept of free software was good in theory.

Until the death of my father in May 2020. That was a life changing event. Together with my therapist I started developing a sense of self, learned the concept of self care. And the topic of money became important. And... I have no idea how to earn money. But that was not all. I realized that I only got into programming and computers because of my abusive parents. I realized that, if not for them, I would have never bothered with free software. It just does not matter to me.

What matters is survival. In particular, access to food, shelter that is a safe space and healthcare. These are the real issues. These matter to a majority of people. But Stallman - a white cisgender endosex heterosexual male with higher education living in US - got so many bloody privileges that he got obsessed with something almost nobody cares about. But he also decided to manipulate people, especially neurodivergent people like me, into joining his cause at a great price. Instead of working on our actual issues like escape from abusive parents, we toot the horn of Stallman while the world around us burns and our bodies and minds decay.

Never ever Stallman said something like "people should care about themselves and not self-harm", never ever I was asked about my mental and physical health. It was always "GIVE US MORE MONEY, SLAVE!" Constantly guilt-tripping over and over again. Richard Stallman and Free Software Foundation never cared about well-being of their donors and associate members. They (donors) were just bags of money to be drained until they're dead. FSF can repeat "we're making the world a better place" however many times they want but in reality they're just "give us your money and die"-type organization. They never cared about health, they never cared about freedom, they only care about money. They lie and manipulate people in order to perpetuate this cult.

If you have enough privileges to care about the licenses of the software you're using, there is an open source movement which is much more reasonable and is not cult. Richard Stallman knows this that's why he always avoided associating himself with it. He has to perpetuate his own cult. He has to lie and manipulate his followers to keep them uninformed so they can be easily controlled.

Now, I'm outta this. All of this. The whole free software movement. I have learned the concept of self care through therapy so I'm gonna care about myself and my wife, not some phantom issues of white cisgender endosex heterosexual males with higher education living in US.

So long, and thanks for ruining my mental and physical health.

[Julius]

Nice to hear that you are moving on from the ghosts of your past, but this forum is not your personal soap box.

I'll leave this up if it gives you some closure, but I will not let this become another discussion topic.

[drummyfish]

Lyberta, you're an amazing person, here and there I remember you and think about how you're doing. I wish you weren't hurting so much. Stay strong <3

[GunChleoc]

I wish you all the best, that you continue to make progress and that your pain will grow less every day.