Survival in this mad world

[Lyberta]

Moderators note: This thread used to contain some disturbing content. Due to the special circumstances we are keeping it open for now, but we sincerely hope the person involved gets better soon

Most of you know me as a radical free software/culture supporter with mental health issues. Both of those come from my parents who abused me for almost 30 years, drove me to several suicide attempts and made me mentally disabled. I couldn't escape from their abuse but they also were giving me enough money to survive so I was embracing all the freedom I could get inside of computer and was projecting my hatred of parents to the entire world.

Well, both of my parents have died within a year. Now the only income I have is 300$/mo pension which is not enough to even buy food for me and my wife. I also have this unsustainable worldview where I basically give middle finger to capitalism and fight against it at all costs. Of course, that view could only work while my parents were giving me money.

The fact that I'm even able to type these words right now instead of having another suicide attempt or rotting in a psychiatric hospital is because I have found a good therapist in December who actually understood the hell I've been through and is keeping me afloat so far. So, if I want to survive I have to do one of the hardest things in the world: compromise. Back when my parents were alive I had barely any mental health so any kind of compromise would take that last bit away and result in endless stream of mental breakdowns, suicide attempts and hospitalizations. Nowadays... I don't know. I'm very scared.

For the past year or so I've been working on the proposals to fix issues the C++ language itself. One of those papers was recently published in official ISO mailing for C++ proposals. So I thought, what if I can make money from my work on my proposals? Every C++ developer will benefit from better language and standard library. I can even publish my library proposals as standalone libraries (like Boost) that can be used by a wider audience.

So here's my business plan: I start my own Patreon with a pay-what-you-can model. I keep publishing my papers and implementations on GitHub using Boost Software License. I also release standalone versions of my library proposals under BSL.

And here are the compromises that give me a lot of anxiety:

• I don't like using Patreon. It is proprietary service and I will have to use some kind of banking to collect money. This involves disclosing my legal name which I hate immensely.
• I don't like using Git. It is sexist and transphobic because committer names are a part of the commit hashes so changing your name requires rewriting history. This is extremely hurtful.
• I don't like using GitHub. It is a proprietary service owned by Microsoft that is hardcoded to Git.
• I don't like using BSL. It is a permissive license so my works will be usable in proprietary software.

But all of those compromises seem to be needed for me to have sustainable income. At this point in time it is something like 700$-1000$ per month and I expect most of that money will come from proprietary software companies that will make way more money from using my work that I will make myself. But at least I didn't make the biggest compromise - I am not developing proprietary software.

So, what do you think?

[Julius]

Great to hear that you are currently quite stable mental health wise.

Compromises have to be done everywhere, but I am quite sure that "fixing issues with C++" will not give you income via Patreon. Maybe in a large company or such...

Patreon or Liberapay has to be something more mass compatible. Something that gets people excited

[dulsi]

I don't think companies generally support patreons. Even if a company wants something in C++ fixed, I expect they would pay for the work directly with a contractor rather than support someone fixing C++ in general. Also I don't know many that really want to fix the language.

I'm not saying you can't do something like this but I think it is hard. I think you would have to build up a brand for yourself as a C++ expert. Have videos explaining how to use C++ features. Answer C++ questions on sites. That sort of thing. Even with that it would probably be a slow process. I think it is hard to get to that level of support of Patreon. (I could be wrong. I haven't investigated it much but most seem to have a small number of supporters.)

[Julius]

I know you have been also dabbling with Xonotic. Maybe someting along that lines might be more promising for Patreon (or similar), although specifically forking Darkplaces to replace all the QC might not.

I was rather thinking along the lines of taking out the Overkill mode from Xonotic and make it a stand-alone game with a different engine or something similar that doesn't force you to start from scratch. This might make it feasible to do with Godot: https://github.com/Shfty/qodot-plugin and Godot does support various languages for game development including C++.

[Lyberta]

Thanks for suggestions. It clearly showed my lack of experience with Patreon. To be honest, I didn't really visit it before because my browser blocks all JavaScript and 3rd party requests by default so usually I got either blank page, broken CSS or CloudFlare gate where it wanted me to solve CAPTCHA because I was suspicious because I'm using Tor. Even seeing Patreon site in all of its glory was a compromise that I didn't have mental health to make. I don't really know how much money people earn on Patreon and from what sources.

I noted all your suggestions and I'm gonna think about them. Right now I have some of my parents' money that should allow me to survive until winter without any further sources of income. Right now I'm investing most of it in my mental health - recovery from complex post-traumatic stress disorder that I got from abuse by my parents. It's ironic that they are now basically paying for recovery from trauma they've caused in the first place.

You can definitely provide more suggestions in this thread. I'm happy to read them.

[GunChleoc]

How about using gitlab.com instead of GitHub? Once you can afford it, you could migrate to a self-hosted one and even take the issues with you without much hassle - the have a REST API for that.

For the commit author problem, you could use a gender-neutral nick name + e-mail address.

[Jastiv]

Have you considered tutoring people in C++ for a living? There is always work for that because so many people want to learn the language and it is so hard to learn. Honestly, it is like a bad marriage of C and Java. Eric Raymond wrote in his blog how he never wanted to touch it again after working on Battle for Wesnoth. Yet in game programming especially (and probably lots of other places) there are lots of really useful libraries written in C++, but so many students struggle to grasp the essentials in C++ even if they can code in, or have even mastered other languages.

[Lyberta]

How come you don't want to write proprietary software?

One particular piece of software - Team Fortress 2 - has caused a great deal of harm to me so at that time I swore to never ever support proprietary software. I broke that promise several years later to earn money but it resulted in extreme guilt of inflicting insufferable pain on other people that resulted in several suicide attempts, one where I almost died from a blood loss and had to be sewn immediately. Suffice to say, I don't look forward to repeating this. Not at this time.

So...

Idea number two. I'm writing an autobiography since 2017 that deals with topics such as:

• Causes of my CPTSD: rape, child abuse, psychological and physical abuse, bullying, homophobia, transphobia, institutional abuse, electroshock therapy.
• The ways I dealt with my CPTSD: planning of school shooting, planning of other terrorist acts, death threats, self-harm, suicide attempts, video games, software development, composing music.
• Positive messages such as that it is ok to be non-cisgender non-heterosexual, that it is ok to be mentally disabled, especially if it is caused by trauma beyond your control, that it doesn't make you a bad person and that it is possible to survive hell.

The book will be released under CC BY-SA. I guess I can release chapters early to Patrons, that way there is more incentive to give me money. Also, I am still not writing a proprietary book because proprietary books are as bad as proprietary software (I'm looking at you, GCC manual).

I know, this is a bit different from writing C++ code so target audience will be pretty different but most likely wider. And here's the small excerpt:

There were two of us. One of us was a small girl in a pink dress. She was hurt like crazy so she cried in the corner, constantly blaming herself. So, there was a need for a second one. The guardian. A femme fatale with black leather coat, fingerless gloves, combat boots, metal spikes on gloves and boots, shades, aggressive makeup, purple hair. Everything to defend from the attacks on the first one. So the guardian arrived there at the age of 2, she stayed near the little girl and was constantly punching and kicking all of the shadowy figures spawned by my parents. Both of us were surrounded but that just gave the guardian more desire to exist and fight. So she kept going, screaming "I'm gonna kill you all!" for 28 years. By 2020 she had bloody scars all over her body, makeup all messed up, tears of mascara running from her eyes. She was so fucking tired but she would never give up protecting the little girl.

But suddenly, it was over. The guardian punched last bits of the shadowy figures and they stopped appearing. This has never happened before. So she stood there with her fists clenched, breathing heavily but otherwise silent. But nobody came. Eventually the small girl stopped crying and just sat there. So, it was this weird moment of silence. And both of us realized that we never talked to each other before. The guardian looked back at the girl not quite knowing what to do next. She slowly approached the little girl and sat beside her, removed the shades revealing just how messed up the guardian's face was. Both of us looked at each other's eyes for the first time. The guardian offered a hand to the little girl but she was so afraid that she just couldn't accept it. There was a weird pause. But the guardian was there for a long game and could wait for whatever time was needed. Eventually, the little girl caved in and accepted the invitation. She got up while holding the guardian's hand and took several steps towards her only to be given a huge hug. The girl was shaking, not knowing what is going on or what to do, so the guardian just kept hugging, there was no need for words or anything else. As the girl calmed down a bit, the guardian just picked her up and put her on the guardian's shoulders. It was time to walk away from the cursed corner we both got stuck in for 28 years.

But the landscape of mind is not quite rigid, it follows our desires and insecurities. The guardian was carrying the little girl on the shoulders through a white void until a door appeared out of nowhere but I knew exactly what was behind it. As the door opened, it revealed a gym with tons of equipment that could be spawned into being so it spawned the exact thing I had in mind - two heavy punching bags. We approached the bags and the guardian put the girl on the floor. The girl didn't need the words, she walked towards one of the bags while the guardian stood in front of the other one. It was time for a lesson.

Both of us synchronized to each other as the guardian clenched the fists, with the girl repeating everything exactly. We started punching in unison, blow by blow, started kicking the bags, just doing everything that was sorely needed for a long time. The girl focused her eyes on the bag as she had the force of the guardian guiding her and giving her confidence she never had in her life. She felt so free, so empowered, her punches and kicks becoming stronger with each one. She started yelling and just releasing everything on that damn bag as if it was the amalgamation of all her pain.

Eventually, she stopped. And as she withdrew from the combat pose she noticed that something has changed. She looked at her arms. They were no longer the arms of a child but of a grown up woman. She looked in the mirror that was inconspicuously spawned by my mind only to see that *she* is grown up. Still wearing the pink dress but now with frills and tons of other lavish details. She looked at the guardian and realized that both of us had the same height now. The guardian had bandages over her wounds and magically restored makeup but she was also smiling. We just stood there looking at each other for a couple of seconds trying to process all the emotions that were going on.

Still confident, the guardian offered a hand again and the other me didn't hesitate to accept it. We were holding each other's hands, enjoying the warmth and smiling at each other. Still holding hands, we walked out of the gym and into the sunlight. This was a beginning of something new.

[Lyberta]

I... need to break a silence.

My mind is changing so rapidly I just can't adjust. When I started this thread I was in this usual state of almost panic attack. I was just crying for help, any help, really, I felt so scared. I needed any guidance I could find. Now, it's just... unreal. It's so different, I'm in this state of euphoria, I can't believe there is life without constant pain.

I've been on this forum for 7 years but all you saw was this aggressive, sarcastic, childish, radical, immature person. I would just go in some thread and post something like "those whatever developers are assholes because they released their game assets as CC BY-NC or not CC BY!!!" while in my mind I just want to *** description of self-harm removed by the author, Lyberta *** Because you can't see me hurting. People who are hurting are worthless, they are sub-human. I could imagine if I say anything about my vulnerability you'd just start trolling me and sending me death threats. Oh, Lyberta is hurting! Look at her, so much for a radical free software supporter, you piece of shit!!! Your parents are right, you don't deserve to live! You bitch.

And now... it's... it's gone. Everything's changing so fast. I take notes in the morning but they become obsolete by the evening because I am a different person by that time and morning notes were filled with workarounds that are no longer needed.

Every day I had to solve a non-linear equation of triggers. Something like "ok, so I need to have a phone call with my father today. He will abuse me as usual, I will be suicidal for maybe 2 hours and hurt for the rest of the day. Ok, so, I didn't take a shower for the whole week and I've been preparing for the last 2 days so I should be able to take shower tomorrow with just a panic attack and tears. Ok, so far so good. Oh wait, my fridge is almost empty, I need to go to the grocery store. But how??? I will be hurt from a phone call and I really want that shower. Ok, well, if I just buy a little, maybe I can go. You know, if I buy a lot, the cashier will most likely notice that I'm transgender during checkout and kill me. I don't want to die. Please. Please! Fuck, my hair is itchy, I'm smelling from sweat, I didn't brush my teeth for 3 months and now I'm about to starve to death. No, how?? How to survive this? Maybe... I dunno. I dunno. Any way to help myself has such a huge chance of breakdown that I will have another suicide attempt or kill myself or end in psychiatric hospital. I'm scared. I'm scared! What do I do?? What do I do??? I don't want to die! I don't want to die!!! Fuck, I need pills, I just need to disappear. Just take antipsychotics, take antidepressants and disappear. Just... disappear..."

Every.

Damn.

Day.

Every day was this struggle for survival. So many triggers, so many panic attacks, so many pills. So many workarounds. And now... they're gone. My parents are gone. I can just go and take shower. There is no voice telling me that I don't deserve to live, that my gender identity is fake, that I'm the property of parents and my life is worthless. I went to the grocery store and was not afraid that cashier will kill me. This is unreal. I deserve to live? I am a human? What??? What?? A good life is possible??? No, there has to be a catch, surely this is just a dream. I will wake up and my parents will abuse me as usual. Life will be back to "normal". Panic attacks, suicide attempts, a safe space.

But they're gone. They will not abuse me. They will not dehumanize me. I'm not their property. I'm myself. I AM A HUMAN!!!

Ffffffffffffffffffffffuck...

I need time to think.

[GunChleoc]

I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself today. May you have many such days!

[Lyberta]

There is something else I really need to tell. Please, I beg you, don't censor this post or lock the thread. There will be no personal attacks or violent threats. I just need to explain myself.

I've been posting angry stuff on the Internet since about 2006. And it was all the same, I get into conflict, I get even more angry, I say even more bullshit, mods step in, I'm permabanned. And as I look on the web page saying that I'm banned, the voice in my head would just go "Oh look, another ban. See, nobody likes you! You are worthless! Now, go on and do what you must - kill yourself! Nobody cares about your life anyway. You will make everyone around you happy if you kill yourself. Now, go on. GO ON AND KILL YOURSELF!!!"

So, when I registered here in 2013, I already expected the same outcome. That voice was ready. And, sure enough. The same broken record started playing again, I was posting bullshit. I was angry. I started receiving warnings. But... there was no permaban. Yes, Julius, Charlie, you started editing my posts to keep the bullshit out. I received short term bans. But I could always go back here. I wasn't alone. I wasn't alone.

*** Graphic confession of being rape survivor removed by the author, Lyberta ***

So... Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Mods, Julius, Charlie. Thanks for not permabanning me. Thanks for giving me a second chance. People like you save lives... pretty literally.

Please, don't lock this thread. I promise I will stop posting heavy stuff on this forum. I don't want to hurt anybody. I just need a little outlet for some time. I also still need to find the source of income so the topic of this thread is actually needed.

I don't know how to end this post. So I just end it here.

[Lyberta]

Ok, this is topic about survival. Does anyone know online support groups for survivors of rape? I really need help. I don't need a job. I need support group. I've opened the Pandora Box and now I'm mega fucked up. I'm hurting like crazy. I need to talk to someone.

[farrer]

Hi Lyberta, hope you are well. Searching on the web, there are some online places:

After Silence:
http://www.aftersilence.org : they have a forum: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/

Pandora's place:
https://pandys.org also with forum: https://pandys.org/forums/

RANN:
https://rainn.org/ seems to have an online chat too, but only with javascript enabled: https://hotline.rainn.org/online

[Lyberta]

Ooooook. I had to take a lot of pills and sleep most of the day. I'm calming down but very slowly. My thoughts are a bit blurry. But at least I managed to admit what happened. Now I just have to learn how to live without those emotions being repressed. Thanks again, I will definitely check all the links with the speed that my brain allows me.

I realized that this is probably the darkest and heaviest topic on this forum. I'm actively suppressing feelings of guilt and shame about what I have said here. It hurts.

[Julius]

Feel free to edit your posts if that makes you feel better about it.

But I am glad you are doing better again

P.s.: I am not a medical practitioner, just in my (former?) job I was exposed to people in very unfortunate circumstances (refugees in 3rd world countries). Not directly comparable of course.

[Lyberta]

Feel free to edit your posts if that makes you feel better about it.

*** More graphic stuff removed by the author, Lyberta ***

[Lyberta]

I feel the need to provide an update on all this. I'm still struggling but it's manageable. I will probably take a week long break from all this and just be with my wife. Then I will move non-FGD-related bits to a better place, most likely one of those farrer linked.

There is a symphony called "In The Shadow of No Towers". You probably guessed, it is about 9/11. Well, it has a movement called "A New Normal". The death of my parents was my "A New Normal". But I knew their age and medical condition so I was mentally preparing myself for several years. But publicly coming out as a survivor of all this... that's "A New New Normal" that I was totally unprepared for. I guess the question by StephenJSweeney just triggered a chain reaction.

So, yeah...

[Lyberta]

*** Graphic description of being suicidal removed by the author, Lyberta ***

[ksenia]

I just want to die. My parents are dead. I have won the war. There is no reason for me to exist anymore. I have completed the meaning of my life - to kill my parents.

There will always be more things to fight for. Improving C++, fighting proprietary software, fixing bugs, learning in depth any area of science and contributing to advance it further.

Going outside wearing a face mask? Nope, I'd rather die from COVID-19.

Unlikely to die from it. Fatality rate among symptomatic cases is < 1 % among healthy people < 40 years old. The most likely problem from not wearing a mask is a confrontation with laypeople or police.

There is only constant pain. Nothing but pain. I will never be happy. I will never be healthy. I will never be "normal".

Being normal is not good. Normal is being as mediocre as the rest are. All the users of this forum are already removed from normal in that they value free software. Normal people do not care to sell their digital lives to proprietary software companies in exchange of convenience.

Regarding your psychological problems, it will not always be as bad as it is right now because it is worse than average (apparently; according to what you describe) and the default in absence of treatment is reverting to the average. Do you have benzodiazepines? They would help you in situations like this. If not, try phenibut, gabapentin or pregabalin. I think phenibut is sold OTC in Russia. Try to not use it every day because of tolerance and physical dependence.

[Lyberta]

*** Graphic description of CPTSD-induced "Kill List" removed by the author, Lyberta ***

[Jastiv]

If everyone who contributed to proprietary software died, we we would be short a lot of programmers. It would be much better for people to have a change of heart, renounce contributing to proprietary software, and only work on free software from then on.

[Lyberta]

*** More graphic description of CPTSD-induced "Kill List" removed by the author, Lyberta ***

[GunChleoc]

As one wise person once said: Why do you want to be like everybody else? There are already enough of them!

Not being normal is completely OK.

What you need right now is a replacement for the kill list to give your life meaning. Give yourself some time to find it, it will take a while. Find small steps you can take - you won't be able to fix everything at once.

There are other things you can do with your life, like helping your wife as best as you can. Find something that you can occupy your brain with to distract you from your issues so that you can take breaks from it all, like programming something. Continue writing your story.

[Lyberta]

*** More CPTSD-induced "Kill List" shenanigans removed by the author, Lyberta ***

[Julius]

@everyone: please refrain from giving medical or pharmaceutical advise; a forum about open source game development is not the right place for that and Lyberta already seems to be getting professional help with that.

@Lyberta: this forum is a public space, so please stop making public death threats (or lists etc.). We told you before that we can not accept that as it has legal implications (as you are very well aware).