Licenses, Patreon and survival

Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 19 May 2020, 10:41

Most of you know me as a radical free software/culture supporter with mental health issues. Both of those come from my parents who abused me for almost 30 years, drove me to several suicide attempts and made me mentally disabled. I couldn't escape from their abuse but they also were giving me enough money to survive so I was embracing all the freedom I could get inside of computer and was projecting my hatred of parents to the entire world.

Well, both of my parents have died within a year. Now the only income I have is 300$/mo pension which is not enough to even buy food for me and my wife. I also have this unsustainable worldview where I basically give middle finger to capitalism and fight against it at all costs. Of course, that view could only work while my parents were giving me money.

The fact that I'm even able to type these words right now instead of having another suicide attempt or rotting in a psychiatric hospital is because I have found a good therapist in December who actually understood the hell I've been through and is keeping me afloat so far. So, if I want to survive I have to do one of the hardest things in the world: compromise. Back when my parents were alive I had barely any mental health so any kind of compromise would take that last bit away and result in endless stream of mental breakdowns, suicide attempts and hospitalizations. Nowadays... I don't know. I'm very scared.

For the past year or so I've been working on the proposals to fix issues the C++ language itself. One of those papers was recently published in official ISO mailing for C++ proposals. So I thought, what if I can make money from my work on my proposals? Every C++ developer will benefit from better language and standard library. I can even publish my library proposals as standalone libraries (like Boost) that can be used by a wider audience.

So here's my business plan: I start my own Patreon with a pay-what-you-can model. I keep publishing my papers and implementations on GitHub using Boost Software License. I also release standalone versions of my library proposals under BSL.

And here are the compromises that give me a lot of anxiety:

  • I don't like using Patreon. It is proprietary service and I will have to use some kind of banking to collect money. This involves disclosing my legal name which I hate immensely.
  • I don't like using Git. It is sexist and transphobic because committer names are a part of the commit hashes so changing your name requires rewriting history. This is extremely hurtful.
  • I don't like using GitHub. It is a proprietary service owned by Microsoft that is hardcoded to Git.
  • I don't like using BSL. It is a permissive license so my works will be usable in proprietary software.

But all of those compromises seem to be needed for me to have sustainable income. At this point in time it is something like 700$-1000$ per month and I expect most of that money will come from proprietary software companies that will make way more money from using my work that I will make myself. But at least I didn't make the biggest compromise - I am not developing proprietary software.

So, what do you think?
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Julius » 19 May 2020, 12:23

Great to hear that you are currently quite stable mental health wise.

Compromises have to be done everywhere, but I am quite sure that "fixing issues with C++" will not give you income via Patreon. Maybe in a large company or such...

Patreon or Liberapay has to be something more mass compatible. Something that gets people excited :)
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby dulsi » 19 May 2020, 16:02

I don't think companies generally support patreons. Even if a company wants something in C++ fixed, I expect they would pay for the work directly with a contractor rather than support someone fixing C++ in general. Also I don't know many that really want to fix the language.

I'm not saying you can't do something like this but I think it is hard. I think you would have to build up a brand for yourself as a C++ expert. Have videos explaining how to use C++ features. Answer C++ questions on sites. That sort of thing. Even with that it would probably be a slow process. I think it is hard to get to that level of support of Patreon. (I could be wrong. I haven't investigated it much but most seem to have a small number of supporters.)
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Julius » 19 May 2020, 20:51

I know you have been also dabbling with Xonotic. Maybe someting along that lines might be more promising for Patreon (or similar), although specifically forking Darkplaces to replace all the QC might not.

I was rather thinking along the lines of taking out the Overkill mode from Xonotic and make it a stand-alone game with a different engine or something similar that doesn't force you to start from scratch. This might make it feasible to do with Godot: https://github.com/Shfty/qodot-plugin and Godot does support various languages for game development including C++.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 20 May 2020, 10:51

Thanks for suggestions. It clearly showed my lack of experience with Patreon. To be honest, I didn't really visit it before because my browser blocks all JavaScript and 3rd party requests by default so usually I got either blank page, broken CSS or CloudFlare gate where it wanted me to solve CAPTCHA because I was suspicious because I'm using Tor. Even seeing Patreon site in all of its glory was a compromise that I didn't have mental health to make. I don't really know how much money people earn on Patreon and from what sources.

I noted all your suggestions and I'm gonna think about them. Right now I have some of my parents' money that should allow me to survive until winter without any further sources of income. Right now I'm investing most of it in my mental health - recovery from complex post-traumatic stress disorder that I got from abuse by my parents. It's ironic that they are now basically paying for recovery from trauma they've caused in the first place.

You can definitely provide more suggestions in this thread. I'm happy to read them.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby GunChleoc » 21 May 2020, 08:32

How about using gitlab.com instead of GitHub? Once you can afford it, you could migrate to a self-hosted one and even take the issues with you without much hassle - the have a REST API for that.

For the commit author problem, you could use a gender-neutral nick name + e-mail address.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby StephenJSweeney » 21 May 2020, 12:06

How much you make from Patreon is going to depend on a lot of factors: what you're offering, how much your patrons are willing to pay, how many patrons you have, etc. It could be anything from $1 a month to thousands. But there are no guarantees at all. It could also take months or years to gain traction where you're seeing even triple figures, as you'll need to gain a reputation. A lot of creatives use it as income supplement, rather than their main bread and butter. While I've said there are those who are making thousands a month, keep in mind that for every one of those you see, there will be hundreds or thousands of others who are making single or double digits.

Do you know how much money you'll need coming in each month to live off? Winter's not all that far off (4-5 months or so..?).

How come you don't want to write proprietary software? To be honest, I think this is your best bet, as you've already demonstrated you can code and have a solid grasp of software development. That's a skill in high demands by a great number of employers, who will pay top dollar for it. You can continue to write FOSS software in your spare time. Plenty of people do so. Also, the benefits of a coding job is a healthy income, and that can only serve to make your life more comfortable. With careful management of your salary and outgoings, you'll then have disposable income to spend on more of the things you enjoy, be able to take more holidays, etc. It's all good for the soul.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Jastiv » 21 May 2020, 19:54

Have you considered tutoring people in C++ for a living? There is always work for that because so many people want to learn the language and it is so hard to learn. Honestly, it is like a bad marriage of C and Java. Eric Raymond wrote in his blog how he never wanted to touch it again after working on Battle for Wesnoth. Yet in game programming especially (and probably lots of other places) there are lots of really useful libraries written in C++, but so many students struggle to grasp the essentials in C++ even if they can code in, or have even mastered other languages.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 21 May 2020, 23:50

StephenJSweeney {l Wrote}:How come you don't want to write proprietary software?


One particular piece of software - Team Fortress 2 - has caused a great deal of harm to me so at that time I swore to never ever support proprietary software. I broke that promise several years later to earn money but it resulted in extreme guilt of inflicting insufferable pain on other people that resulted in several suicide attempts, one where I almost died from a blood loss and had to be sewn immediately. Suffice to say, I don't look forward to repeating this. Not at this time.

So...

Idea number two. I'm writing an autobiography since 2017 that deals with topics such as:
  • Causes of my CPTSD: rape, child abuse, psychological and physical abuse, bullying, homophobia, transphobia, institutional abuse, electroshock therapy.
  • The ways I dealt with my CPTSD: planning of school shooting, planning of other terrorist acts, death threats, self-harm, suicide attempts, video games, software development, composing music.
  • Positive messages such as that it is ok to be non-cisgender non-heterosexual, that it is ok to be mentally disabled, especially if it is caused by trauma beyond your control, that it doesn't make you a bad person and that it is possible to survive hell.

The book will be released under CC BY-SA. I guess I can release chapters early to Patrons, that way there is more incentive to give me money. Also, I am still not writing a proprietary book because proprietary books are as bad as proprietary software (I'm looking at you, GCC manual).

I know, this is a bit different from writing C++ code so target audience will be pretty different but most likely wider. And here's the small excerpt:
There were two of us. One of us was a small girl in a pink dress. She was hurt like crazy so she cried in the corner, constantly blaming herself. So, there was a need for a second one. The guardian. A femme fatale with black leather coat, fingerless gloves, combat boots, metal spikes on gloves and boots, shades, aggressive makeup, purple hair. Everything to defend from the attacks on the first one. So the guardian arrived there at the age of 2, she stayed near the little girl and was constantly punching and kicking all of the shadowy figures spawned by my parents. Both of us were surrounded but that just gave the guardian more desire to exist and fight. So she kept going, screaming "I'm gonna kill you all!" for 28 years. By 2020 she had bloody scars all over her body, makeup all messed up, tears of mascara running from her eyes. She was so fucking tired but she would never give up protecting the little girl.

But suddenly, it was over. The guardian punched last bits of the shadowy figures and they stopped appearing. This has never happened before. So she stood there with her fists clenched, breathing heavily but otherwise silent. But nobody came. Eventually the small girl stopped crying and just sat there. So, it was this weird moment of silence. And both of us realized that we never talked to each other before. The guardian looked back at the girl not quite knowing what to do next. She slowly approached the little girl and sat beside her, removed the shades revealing just how messed up the guardian's face was. Both of us looked at each other's eyes for the first time. The guardian offered a hand to the little girl but she was so afraid that she just couldn't accept it. There was a weird pause. But the guardian was there for a long game and could wait for whatever time was needed. Eventually, the little girl caved in and accepted the invitation. She got up while holding the guardian's hand and took several steps towards her only to be given a huge hug. The girl was shaking, not knowing what is going on or what to do, so the guardian just kept hugging, there was no need for words or anything else. As the girl calmed down a bit, the guardian just picked her up and put her on the guardian's shoulders. It was time to walk away from the cursed corner we both got stuck in for 28 years.

But the landscape of mind is not quite rigid, it follows our desires and insecurities. The guardian was carrying the little girl on the shoulders through a white void until a door appeared out of nowhere but I knew exactly what was behind it. As the door opened, it revealed a gym with tons of equipment that could be spawned into being so it spawned the exact thing I had in mind - two heavy punching bags. We approached the bags and the guardian put the girl on the floor. The girl didn't need the words, she walked towards one of the bags while the guardian stood in front of the other one. It was time for a lesson.

Both of us synchronized to each other as the guardian clenched the fists, with the girl repeating everything exactly. We started punching in unison, blow by blow, started kicking the bags, just doing everything that was sorely needed for a long time. The girl focused her eyes on the bag as she had the force of the guardian guiding her and giving her confidence she never had in her life. She felt so free, so empowered, her punches and kicks becoming stronger with each one. She started yelling and just releasing everything on that damn bag as if it was the amalgamation of all her pain.

Eventually, she stopped. And as she withdrew from the combat pose she noticed that something has changed. She looked at her arms. They were no longer the arms of a child but of a grown up woman. She looked in the mirror that was inconspicuously spawned by my mind only to see that *she* is grown up. Still wearing the pink dress but now with frills and tons of other lavish details. She looked at the guardian and realized that both of us had the same height now. The guardian had bandages over her wounds and magically restored makeup but she was also smiling. We just stood there looking at each other for a couple of seconds trying to process all the emotions that were going on.

Still confident, the guardian offered a hand again and the other me didn't hesitate to accept it. We were holding each other's hands, enjoying the warmth and smiling at each other. Still holding hands, we walked out of the gym and into the sunlight. This was a beginning of something new.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 23 May 2020, 06:17

I... need to break a silence.

My mind is changing so rapidly I just can't adjust. When I started this thread I was in this usual state of almost panic attack. I was just crying for help, any help, really, I felt so scared. I needed any guidance I could find. Now, it's just... unreal. It's so different, I'm in this state of euphoria, I can't believe there is life without constant pain.

I've been on this forum for 7 years but all you saw was this aggressive, sarcastic, childish, radical, immature person. I would just go in some thread and post something like "those whatever developers are assholes because they released their game assets as CC BY-NC or not CC BY!!!" while in my mind I just want to go into the kitchen for the 1000th time, grab a knife and just cut and cut and cut and cut. And nobody's gonna sew me this time, right? Because you can't see me hurting. People who are hurting are worthless, they are sub-human. I could imagine if I say anything about my vulnerability you'd just start trolling me and sending me death threats. Oh, Lyberta is hurting! Look at her, so much for a radical free software supporter, you piece of shit!!! Your parents are right, you don't deserve to live! You bitch.

And now... it's... it's gone. Everything's changing so fast. I take notes in the morning but they become obsolete by the evening because I am a different person by that time and morning notes were filled with workarounds that are no longer needed.

Every day I had to solve a non-linear equation of triggers. Something like "ok, so I need to have a phone call with my father today. He will abuse me as usual, I will be suicidal for maybe 2 hours and hurt for the rest of the day. Ok, so, I didn't take a shower for the whole week and I've been preparing for the last 2 days so I should be able to take shower tomorrow with just a panic attack and tears. Ok, so far so good. Oh wait, my fridge is almost empty, I need to go to the grocery store. But how??? I will be hurt from a phone call and I really want that shower. Ok, well, if I just buy a little, maybe I can go. You know, if I buy a lot, the cashier will most likely notice that I'm transgender during checkout and kill me. I don't want to die. Please. Please! Fuck, my hair is itchy, I'm smelling from sweat, I didn't brush my teeth for 3 months and now I'm about to starve to death. No, how?? How to survive this? Maybe... I dunno. I dunno. Any way to help myself has such a huge chance of breakdown that I will have another suicide attempt or kill myself or end in psychiatric hospital. I'm scared. I'm scared! What do I do?? What do I do??? I don't want to die! I don't want to die!!! Fuck, I need pills, I just need to disappear. Just take antipsychotics, take antidepressants and disappear. Just... disappear..."

Every.

Damn.

Day.

Every day was this struggle for survival. So many triggers, so many panic attacks, so many pills. So many workarounds. And now... they're gone. My parents are gone. I can just go and take shower. There is no voice telling me that I don't deserve to live, that my gender identity is fake, that I'm the property of parents and my life is worthless. I went to the grocery store and was not afraid that cashier will kill me. This is unreal. I deserve to live? I am a human? What??? What?? A good life is possible??? No, there has to be a catch, surely this is just a dream. I will wake up and my parents will abuse me as usual. Life will be back to "normal". Panic attacks, suicide attempts, a safe space.

But they're gone. They will not abuse me. They will not dehumanize me. I'm not their property. I'm myself. I AM A HUMAN!!!

Ffffffffffffffffffffffuck...

I need time to think.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby GunChleoc » 23 May 2020, 11:31

I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself today. May you have many such days!
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 23 May 2020, 13:53

There is something else I really need to tell. Please, I beg you, don't censor this post or lock the thread. There will be no personal attacks or violent threats. I just need to explain myself.

I've been posting angry stuff on the Internet since about 2006. And it was all the same, I get into conflict, I get even more angry, I say even more bullshit, mods step in, I'm permabanned. And as I look on the web page saying that I'm banned, the voice in my head would just go "Oh look, another ban. See, nobody likes you! You are worthless! Now, go on and do what you must - kill yourself! Nobody cares about your life anyway. You will make everyone around you happy if you kill yourself. Now, go on. GO ON AND KILL YOURSELF!!!"

So, when I registered here in 2013, I already expected the same outcome. That voice was ready. And, sure enough. The same broken record started playing again, I was posting bullshit. I was angry. I started receiving warnings. But... there was no permaban. Yes, Julius, Charlie, you started editing my posts to keep the bullshit out. I received short term bans. But I could always go back here. I wasn't alone. I wasn't alone.

Last year in some thread I compared proprietary software to rape and Julius replied "don't joke about rape. I have actually worked with rape survivors". Little did he know who he was talking to. I know very well what it feels like when people spread your legs against your will and what comes next is just... Just... I had no idea such pain existed and I had no idea human body can survive such pain. I was sure I was going to die there. I was screaming as hard as I could. I twisted all my muscles but no, they were strong, they made sure they will get what they want. And mother, the mother was there, she was watching, she was one of them.

And she will live with you for many years. She will continue to abuse you. Rape is fun! Rape is a joke! Oh, Lyberta was raped, now she can't take a shower without tears. Look at her! What a joke! Let's all laugh at her! HA! HAHA! HAHAHA! And father just wouldn't care. He would just ignore everything but yell at both mother and me any time one of us disturbs him in any way. "I am The Man. And women and children are the property of The Man. I am the leader of this family! You are are just my property. What, you were raped? I don't give a fuck. But don't you *dare* to hurt and cry while I'm sleeping or working. I'm gonna use my hairy hands to choke you until you can't breathe and you WILL stop crying. You understand?! You are my property. Property can't have feelings. Property can't complain. Now get the fuck out of my sight! And tell that bitch to make me a dinner. The Man is hungry, the slaves must serve dinner."

Yes. People like that exist. People like that have children. And one of those children was me.

... so... "don't joke about rape. I have actually worked with rape survivors". Julius? Did you? Maybe... Maybe there is a chance. I've tried to hide everything because the hairy hands of The Man would choke me if I complain. But... BUT. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE... I forgot what I posted in that thread, I was breaking like crazy. But no one ridiculed me. No one abused me. No one was choking me. You were not my parents. You were not... Eventually the thread started to get too heavy and Julius locked it. But it changed me. I saw that there are kind people in this world. That not everyone is like my parents. The seed was planted.

So... Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Mods, Julius, Charlie. Thanks for not permabanning me. Thanks for giving me a second chance. People like you save lives... pretty literally.

Please, don't lock this thread. I promise I will stop posting heavy stuff on this forum. I don't want to hurt anybody. I just need a little outlet for some time. I also still need to find the source of income so the topic of this thread is actually needed.

I don't know how to end this post. So I just end it here.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 23 May 2020, 22:47

Ok, this is topic about survival. Does anyone know online support groups for survivors of rape? I really need help. I don't need a job. I need support group. I've opened the Pandora Box and now I'm mega fucked up. I'm hurting like crazy. I need to talk to someone.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby farrer » 24 May 2020, 00:50

Hi Lyberta, hope you are well. Searching on the web, there are some online places:

After Silence:
http://www.aftersilence.org : they have a forum: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/

Pandora's place:
https://pandys.org also with forum: https://pandys.org/forums/

RANN:
https://rainn.org/ seems to have an online chat too, but only with javascript enabled: https://hotline.rainn.org/online
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 24 May 2020, 20:57

Ooooook. I had to take a lot of pills and sleep most of the day. I'm calming down but very slowly. My thoughts are a bit blurry. But at least I managed to admit what happened. Now I just have to learn how to live without those emotions being repressed. Thanks again, I will definitely check all the links with the speed that my brain allows me.

I realized that this is probably the darkest and heaviest topic on this forum. I'm actively suppressing feelings of guilt and shame about what I have said here. It hurts.
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Julius » 24 May 2020, 22:28

Feel free to edit your posts if that makes you feel better about it.

But I am glad you are doing better again :)

P.s.: I am not a medical practitioner, just in my (former?) job I was exposed to people in very unfortunate circumstances (refugees in 3rd world countries). Not directly comparable of course.
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” - Philip K. Dick
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 25 May 2020, 06:48

Julius {l Wrote}:Feel free to edit your posts if that makes you feel better about it.


No, I can't. This will undo all the progress. I've had a dream where I've regressed to about 15 years ago and when I woke up everything felt unreal. No, my parents are fine. Their abuse is just the way they love me. I'm a bad child. Blaming myself is normal. Wanting to kill myself is normal.

No, it is not... BUT THE PAIN!! ARGHGH! Part of my brain refuses to accept the truth that I've said here. I regress back to being a child. No, the truth is out there, I can't hide it anymore. I don't want to be a child that loves abusive parents and hates themselves. I don't want to think about killing myself, I don't want to think about killing other people that are not my parents. I don't want to constantly hate myself. But that requires accepting the truth. A horrible, twisted, perverted truth.

I'm still taking pills and suffering but I'm not going back. Thanks for providing safe space for me to tell the truth. All the stuff I've said here should stay public until I find other ways to publish it where I will be sure it stays public and helps myself and other people accept truth. Rape and child abuse must not be silenced!!!

EDIT:

You know what my wife's mother told her once? "We love you so we're gonna call the police [to forcibly relocate you from your loved one to suffering with us]". At least my wife took precautions of not saying where she lives so her parents can't get to her.

I have a genderfluid friend - Alen - whom I've met in psychiatric hospital who was raped by their father. I'm pretty sure it turned them into drug addict. Their parents refuse to accept their gender identity and still abuse them like crazy. In fact, I'm not sure my friend is still alive at this point. Last time I've had conversation with them was in the middle of April when they said that father's rape was just showing love and nothing to be upset about. They didn't reply last time I've tried to contact them. They may be in psychiatric hospital, in drug rehab (which is basically prison) or dead.

I was talking to another person - Farid - whom I've also met in psychiatric hospital whose parents abused him and disowned him. He is now in this mental health system. I'm not sure how he's coping.

I was talking to a trans woman - Tayi - who got orchiectomy and said: "My parents can cut my hair in my sleep but at least they can't put my balls back that way".

I was contacted privately by a member of this very forum whom I will refer to as FGDPerson, who was in the same psychiatric hospital as me. Same abuse by parents and same mental disability as a result!

People with abusive parents: me, my wife, Alen, Farid, Tayi, FGDPerson.
People with non-abusive parents: Nobody.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN DECENT PARENTS IN MY LIFE! I ONLY SEE ABUSE AND I ONLY SEE PEOPLE WHO WERE/ARE ABUSED BY THEIR PARENTS AND END UP IN PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL ONLY TO BE ABUSED BY PSYCHIATRISTS!!! WE ARE TOLD THAT WE ARE BROKEN AND ARE FORCIBLY GIVEN ANTIPSYCHOTICS TO SILENCE US WHILE OUR PARENTS ARE NOT LOCKED UP AND ARE FREE TO ABUSE MORE PEOPLE!!! WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!! THERE ARE TWO OF US ON THIS VERY FORUM AND THERE ARE MILLIONS OF US IN PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALS! WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!!
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Re: Licenses, Patreon and survival

Postby Lyberta » 27 May 2020, 03:10

I feel the need to provide an update on all this. I'm still struggling but it's manageable. I will probably take a week long break from all this and just be with my wife. Then I will move non-FGD-related bits to a better place, most likely one of those farrer linked.

There is a symphony called "In The Shadow of No Towers". You probably guessed, it is about 9/11. Well, it has a movement called "A New Normal". The death of my parents was my "A New Normal". But I knew their age and medical condition so I was mentally preparing myself for several years. But publicly coming out as a survivor of all this... that's "A New New Normal" that I was totally unprepared for. I guess the question by StephenJSweeney just triggered a chain reaction.

So, yeah...
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