by Vandar » 05 May 2020, 21:50
A big problem is that I just don't have the "hardness" anymore to stay with a bigger project ... my interests change so much and every few weeks or months.
I already had tried to simplify things as much as I could. Use enemies which don't require much animation, didn't write any code for items and stats yet, just tried to have the very barebone core of a multiplayer, let's call it arena-shooter. Didn't even bother to make a scrolling map.
I have that now. And suddenly each further step seems to be so gigantic, so hard. Add a new monster? Uh ... hours ... don't want to do it again. Add a new spell ... same. Will take hours of tuning.
If I could think, plan for more than a few days or weeks, sure it would make sense to go through these steps and have a bigger goal in mind. It seems I can't do it anymore. The lifespan of each of my projects became shorter. This one started and grew amazingly fast, has the best visual effects I ever made and ... well died as fast. I'll go back and practise drawing, make art for other peoples games, take care of the garden, if I can, dabble in music, and eventually "art for arts sake".
I'm sorry. It was nice, I feel kinda proud on this one. But it also feels good to end it here. Continuing would be a torment, I'm not the sort of person (anymore?) who can stay long with one project. Maybe it's my mental illness, maybe it's bad life experiences ... there was a point where something came to my awareness - "Do it while it's fun. If it begins to feel like work, when the fun stops, rather look for something that is more fun."
Software projects, at least mine, have proven to be unrewarding, to the point where I got hurt really bad by some people. Fans of an old project of mine, and people who had taken over when I had to leave due to mental issues. This thought often returns to me - I don't want to spend that much work on something again just to be hurt in the end.
Making art is different. Most artworks are finished quicker than software projects. Also, there is less "wrong" or "right" in art than there is in programming. While my education is all technical, I think my mind is more made for art, even if my skills are, lets say, average. I'm getting better there, and I have more options. I can try new things more frequently. And there is no obligation to maintain, fix something or stay with a project for a longer while.
Thanks for the attention, and sorry to disappoint.
In soviet russia, code debugs you.